FAMILY ISSUES (1F-4)

Communication: "I" Messages

When trying to tell someone, especially a child, that what they are doing is not viewed as good, it important to avoid making them feel bad about themselves.

It is very important that a child recognize the difference between what they do and who they are. If a child is made to feel stupid, he will believe he is, and that he deserves to be treated as such.

Keeping this in mind, it is especially important that parents learn how to talk to children. Children (like anyone else) do things that upset people. Sometimes children get upset for things they can't understand. It is vital that parents learn to teach their children the difference. Parents also must understand that some problems are problems they must handle, while others problems are problems their children must handle.

Let's go over an example;

1. A child's room is a mess. Whose problem is it?

Well, it is probably not the child's problem because that is probably how he like his room. But, parents usually want neatness and order, and a messy room may bother them.

     So what do you do? Tell your child how you feel and what impact his behavior has on you.
     How do you do this?

Use "I" messages: An I message is a statement that contains three components.

  a. your feelings
  b. about the behavior
  c. and its potential impact on the child

For example, "I feel awful when I see your clothes on the floor, I feel like not buying you nice, new things."

Nowhere in this statement is there room for name calling, or accusations.

Never tell a child, "I'm angry because you are a pig/lazy/stupid.
                                                                        (name calling)

Or you're just doing this because you are lazy/hate me/ are stupid, etc.
                       (accusations)
Remember, you are trying to teach a child that his behavior is bad, but he is good.