HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT (2G)

DISCIPLINE

SETTING LIMITS

Handout

The goal for discipline is to lead the child to self control.

Most of us were taught as children to feel guilty when we got angry. So as parents we try to be patient. The trouble is we often hold our anger in for too long and then let it out on the child in a way that makes him feel like a worm. The following are some helpful principles.

1. We need to accept the fact that children often make us angry.

2. We need not feel guilty when we express our anger. But we cannot allow our anger to become violent.

3. We can express our anger but in a way that does not make the child feel he is an awful person. We can say, "When you do_______, I get furious." Or, "I am getting mad, and what you are doing is pushing me to the limit of what I will put up with." These kinds of statements do not make the child feel like a bad person because you are saying that the anger is in me, the adult, and you, the child, did not cause it because of being a bad person.

Handling feelings and handling acts

Most discipline problems have two parts - angry feelings and angry acts. We need to handle these two things differently.

Feelings - emotions

Acts - behaviors

It will help a child to know that we will respect and accept any feelings he has. It is all right to feel angry, afraid, jealous, curious, etc. It is all right for a child to tell us he hates his sister, that he is mad at us, that he is scared of the dark. We need to know and understand his feelings so we can deal with them.

It is not all right for a child to act out these feelings in any way he pleases. He may not throw a rock at his sister because he hates her; he may not kick us because he has to stay inside. We must set limits on some actions.

Setting Limits (Continued

Discipline must be such that (l) it deals with the feeling and (2) it limits acts in a way that preserves the child's self respect. For this the child needs to know what is expected. Limits must be:

(l) clear

(2) consistent

(3) appropriate to his age

(4) only the ones that are essential

Haim Ginott in Between Parent and Child suggests three zones of behavior:

1. Green zone - desirable behavior.

2. Yellow zone - includes some behavior that is not sanctioned, but is tolerated (because the child is learning, is sick, or is under unusual stress at home).

3. Red zone - behavior that cannot be tolerated.

How to set limits

Tell the child:

(1) what he may not do

(2) what he may do instead

(3) that you respect the feelings he had and can understand them

(4) offer him a more harmless way of expressing these feelings

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

DISCIPLINE

Techniques for Setting Limits

HANDOUT

1. Use Positive statements - say "puzzle pieces stay on the table" not "stop dropping the pieces" or "the shovel is for digging" not "don't swing your shovel that way."

2. If you think something is about to happen between two children, walk over and stand close by. This only helps if you are aware early enough and if excitement is not too high.

3. Re-direct an undesirable activity. To a child coloring on the table instead of on the paper say, "you may not color the table. If you want to color on wood, I'll get you a piece." To a child kicking down another child's blocks, "you may not kick his blocks because he is working with them. If you want to kick, let's get the ball and play kickball." Re-direction is only effective if it is consistent with the child's motives and interests. It won't help if you are merely trying to distract him. The purpose is to find an acceptable substitute activity that will serve the child's purpose.

4. Only give choices when you mean it - don't say "it's story time, would you like to come in and hear a story?" Instead say, "it's story time now. Let's go in." Remember: a choice can have a "yes" or a "no" answer. Only ask a yes or no question if you are willing to accept either yes or no.

5. Verbal appeal can be used sometimes. "I'm tired today," or "We're friends, you don't have to do that." This will work if you have a good relationship and if a child already has developed some controls.

6. Limit use of an object or activity - "If you throw sand again, you may not stay in the sandbox." If he throws sand again, remove him bodily.

7. Physical restraint or removal from situations - use in a situation where there is danger or when the child cannot stop himself. Tell the child what he may not do. Calm him down while continuing to hold him. "Think of something else to do and we'll go do it." Go with him to get him started. At home he may be isolated until he can think of something else to do. Let him know that your purpose is to stop his behavior, not to punish him.

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

DISCIPLINE

Handout

Techniques that do not help children develop self control

1. Threats and promises - often serve as a challenge to children to show themselves that they are not your puppets. The result is often very damaging to a child's self-respect because he feels he is a disappointment to you.

2. Rewards - lead to blackmail by the child. Use of rewards may make the child feel you doubt his ability to change and so his self respect is damaged.

3. Punishment - this is not a main element in discipline because appropriate discipline teaches a child to handle his behavior in a way that promotes his getting along with people.

We may punish as an expression of our frustration and not because we are teaching discipline.

The best test of punishment is whether it accomplishes what we are after without any other serious effects. If it makes a child more hostile, then we will have more trouble with discipline, not less.

Punishment often makes a child feel he is a bad person. Maintaining limits that stop undesirable actions do let a child feel that you think he is okay - it is the things he is doing that are not okay.

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

Discipline

PUT THE TECHNIQUES ALL TOGETHER AND YOU SPELL

"DISCIPLINE"

D is for distraction - the best device a parent can use to divert a child's attention away from undesirable actions to more acceptable behavior.

I is for independence, a trait most children possess and one that should be directed, not destroyed.

S is for security, something all children need and want.

C is for consistency, a quality parents should strive for in guiding children in order to help them achieve security.

I is for insist, something all parents must do at times. Parents who have firm convictions on what they regard as acceptable behavior and who refuse to give way to outside pressures are likely to have better adjusted children.

P is for praise, which should be given freely when a child deserves it.

L is for love, the key word to the whole problem of behavior. Each child needs to love and to be loved.

I is for individual, and each child is one in his own right. Each child has certain inborn personality traits and should be loved and accepted for himself.

N is for negatives; the "no, stop, don't" words which are often overworked in handling children. Negative words should be used only when necessary in order to maintain their effectiveness.

E is for example, and each parent should set a good one. The child is more likely to do what he sees done rather than what he is told to do.

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

Discipline

MEANING COMPONENTS FOR DISCIPLINING CHILDREN

and

TYPICAL WORD ASSOCIATIONS FOR EACH COMPONENT

PUNISHMENT - Punishing, restrict, restricted, no privileges, isolate, time out, room

SPANK, WHIP - Spanking, whipping, beat, beating, belt, corporal punishment, hit, slap, swat

EXPLAIN, TEACH - Explanations, teaching, right from wrong, guide, guidance, learn, learning, modeling, example, correct, correcting, school, manners

OBEDIENCE, RESPECT - Obey, obeying, disobey, order, orders, cooperate, cooperation

LOVE, UNDERSTANDING - Loving, help, helping, caring, reward, rewards, kindness, concern, protect

TALKING - Talks, reason, reasoning, communicate, communication, verbal, vocal, discuss, listen

CONSISTENCY, FIRMNESS - Consistent, firm, limits, limitations, strict, strictness, sternness, rules, ruling, inconsistent, guidelines, clarity, control, careful

PATIENCE, NON-VIOLENCE - No beatings, fair, fairness, honest, honesty, selective, calmly, careful, responsible, gentle, balance

DIFFICULT, HARD - Difficulty, hardships, confusing, confused, yell, shout, time, time-consuming, frustrating, dislike, angry, challenge, stubborn, scream, fight

NECESSARY, IMPORTANT - Necessity, needed, appropriate, yes, essential

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

Discipline

Teacher Notes

1. Have the students list methods of controlling children which they have used or they have observed being used.

2. Discuss the methods students listed for controlling children. Put a + beside each method that is a positive form of discipline and a - beside a negative form of discipline.

3. Select a book on child development, child psychology, or a dictionary to find definitions of the three types of disciplines listed below:

a. Authoritarian discipline

b. Permissive discipline

c. Democratic or developmental discipline

1. Fill in the following chart to show how parents would get their teenager to do the three activities listed below using authoritarian, permissive, and democratic or developmental disciplines:

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

Discipline

How to Gain the Cooperation of Children

Teacher Notes

Gaining Positive Responses from Children

a. Use a quiet, consistent tone of voice when you speak to a child. If you speak quietly, a child will respond better to you than if you raise your voice and speak in a commanding tone.

b. Give specific directions: use as few words as possible. A demonstration may be more effective than words. When limits are necessary, they should be clearly defined and consistently maintained. Too much talking results in the child's not paying attention to what you are saying.

c. Give children plenty of time. Children often resist, if hurried. Perhaps there has not been time to park a truck where the child wants to leave it. We can respect this purpose without encouraging children to "stall." If the child thinks of one thing after another to delay, explain that he or she will need to come inside. Then quietly take the child's hand and go inside.

d. You must honor any choices you give a child. Avoid: "Do you want to come in now? "Do you want to put your sweater on?" Instead, try this: "Do you want to come in now, or would you rather throw the ball one more time?" Or this: "Do you want to put on your sweater to go outside, or stay in to play a while?"

e. Make your suggestions positive. State what you want done rather than what you do not want done. Avoid using the word don't. You will get better results if you say "Ride around the table," instead of, "Don't bump into the table." Reinforce your suggestions to follow through, if necessary.

f. Interest the child in desirable behavior. Help children by making desirable behavior seem more interesting and fun. Example: "Let's pretend we're delivery agents when we put the blocks away in the wagon." You may help by giving a child something to look forward to, after completing a task, by saying, "As soon as you have washed your hands, we can have a snack."

g. Encourage the child to be independent. Allow enough time for the child to dress for the outdoors without assistance. Help a child only when needed to put on clothes that are hard to put on. Let a child wipe up spilled juice or water, even though you may have to go over the spot afterwards.

How to Gain the Cooperation of Children (Continued)

h. Encourage children who are playing together to cooperate with and enjoy other people. Children will more likely become considerate if their experiences with others have been pleasant. They will not have fun if they are scolded for mistakes. Do not make comments such as, "It's naughty to hit," or, "You must not be selfish with the toys." A child will want to play alone to avoid trouble if these directions are repeated often. They will not learn to like others, either, if we say to them, for example, "See if you can get dressed faster than John." Competition can create conflict and cause hurt feelings.

i. Be sure that the child understands clearly why discipline is being administered, if it becomes necessary to discipline him or her. Be calm, consistent in your requirements, and appreciative of efforts and progress the child makes in the right direction. When an incident has been dealt with, it is over. Receive the child affectionately, and do not refer to past misdeeds unless absolutely necessary. Avoid trying to change behavior by methods which may lead to loss of self-respect, such as shaming or labeling behavior as "naughty" or "bad" or ''selfish.''

j. Spotlight behavioral consequences. In spotlighting consequences, try to discuss the child's behavior in a non-judgmental way, and encourage the child to think about his or her impact on people, objects, and events. Focus on developing the child's consideration of cause/effect relationships. For example, if a child continually damages toys, take him or her aside and discuss what will happen if all the toys get broken.

k. Give a breather. Occasionally it is necessary to remove a child from a provoking situation. The removal, or "breather," is a neutralizing, temporary event that is ended when a child indicates that she or he has the desire and control needed to reenter the group.

1. Restrain behavior. When children are angry and their actions are potentially dangerous to themselves or others, restraint may be the only workable approach. For example, two children are fighting. Part them, but hold the one who will not stop until she or he calms down.

m Interact at the child's height level, if possible. Stoop or sit on a low chair, so that the child can see your face. Then speak directly to the child. (Do not try to communicate with the child across the room.) Be an attentive listener. Ask questions to show interest in what the child is saying.

n. Forestall unacceptable behavior. Learn to foresee and prevent rather than "mop-up" after a difficulty. Be alert to the total situation. Sit or stand, so that you can see what the child is doing. For example, put milk into a small pitcher for the child to use, rather than in a large milk carton.

o. Find ways to revise plans when all else fails. Laugh a bit, and just say, "This is not my child's day!"

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

DISCIPLINE

Handout

What is discipline? Discipline is teaching your children what to do and what not to do. It's very important. Think what your child would be like if you never tried to teach him how to behave. How do you think he would behave?

Can anybody remember being punished for something that you did when you were very young. What was it? Did you know it was wrong?

It isn't fair to get angry at a child for breaking rules he doesn't know or understand. It's not only unfair, it doesn't work very well.

You and your partner have to decide in advance what the rules of your family are and what you will do if the rules are broken. You have to make sure, as your children grow older, that they understand what you want, and that you and your partner aren't giving different messages about what you want.

You will find that children will usually do what you tell them if you are clear, you make sure that they understand, and you really mean it.

The important thing is that you really mean what you say and that the rules don't change from day to day. The worst thing that you can do is to confuse your child by changing the rules all the time.

REMEMBER: Children often don't understand what adults tell them. You will have to be very patient and repeat what you want many times. Think about what rules you want to teach your kids.

The best way to get your kids to follow your rules is to praise them when they do. Encouragement is a lot better than punishment. If your kids know what you want and you praise them when they give it to you, it will not be necessary for you to use discipline very often.

A good father thinks very carefully before using punishment of any sort, even just making the child sit quietly. Does the child understand? Is there a better way to teach the child?

Handout (Continued)

REMEMBER: Always discipline a child immediately. Fifteen minutes later the child has forgotten what happened. It does no good to discipline if the child doesn't really know what he's done.

Before you discipline a child, you should think about whether you really are trying to teach - Are you just mad?

REMEMBER: Never punish a baby. It does absolutely no good at all to try to discipline a baby. Babies do not understand what you want and cannot help being babies.

For children under two, discipline is very simple. When the child does something wrong, put your hand on the child's shoulder. Don't shake the child or exert any pressure. Look the child in the eye. Say firmly, but not loudly, "No." Put the child down and find a toy or something else to distract him.

This method takes time and patience, but it is an effective way to teach your child the basics.

For older children, we simply add a couple of things to the above technique. First of all, the older child is beginning to understand more. We make an effort to tell the child what we don't like about what he has done. Second, we add a simple and reasonable consequence.

Here are the steps.

1. Put a hand on the child's shoulder. Don't hurt him!

2. Establish eye contact. Look him in the eye.

3. Say firmly, but not loudly, "I don't like it when you hit your sister (run in the street, etc.)"

4. Take the child to a chair. Sit him on it and say, "I want you to sit quietly for a little while and think about what I am telling you. I don't want you to hit your sister (run into the street, etc.).

5. Let the child sit quietly for 2-5 minutes. If he gets up, return him to the chair gently but firmly. Let him return to play. Do not make him sit still for longer than 5 minutes.

Handout (Continued)

This takes a lot of patience, but it works. You do not need to hit your child to make him behave. Here are some "don'ts."

1. Don't hurt your child.

2. Don't yell, call names, or threaten.

3. Don't try to scare your child.

4. Don't use punishment unless you have no other choice. Praise works better.

When children are school age, you can discipline effectively by taking away a privilege. It's best if discipline always makes some kind of sense. A child who forgets to put away his bicycle might have the bike taken away for a day. A child who doesn't come home on time might have to come in early on the next day. Can you think of other examples?

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

DISCIPLINE

Handout: TYPES OF BEHAVIOR CONSEQUENCES

There are three types of behavior consequences that help children learn behaviors and which can also be used to help them change or unlearn behaviors:

1. Positive consequences - these increase the behaviors they follow. Increase means making the behaviors more likely to happen in the future or making the behaviors stronger. (e.g.: praising Robert for taking out the trash is likely to make Robert want to take out the trash next time).

2. Corrective consequences - these decrease the behaviors they follow. Decrease means making the behaviors less likely to happen in the future or making the behaviors weaker. (e.g.: A firm, no nonsense "Stop that!" to Robert for approaching a hot stove is likely to cause Robert to think twice about approaching the stove in the future).

3. Withdrawal of positive consequences - this also decreases the behaviors it follows. By withdrawing or withholding the positive consequences that the child has learned to expect or simply expects, the behavior that the child engages in will decrease. (e.g.: If Robert is used to getting his mother's attention when he makes baby noises, and if mother's attention is a positive consequence, mother can stop paying attention when Robert makes baby noises. Eventually this withdrawal of positive consequences will result in a decrease in Robert's baby noises.

It is important to remember that consequences are either positive or corrective depending upon whether they actually increase or decrease the future use of the behaviors. Thus, the exact same consequence may be positive for one child and corrective for another, depending upon whether it increases the behavior that it follows.

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

DISCIPLINE

Handout

A. Reasons for not using corporal punishment

1. There are other good ways to gain cooperation.
   
2. It is a holdover from slavery.
   
3. Child abuse and child abuse laws

B. Mild Social Disapproval

1. Look at child
   
2. Move close physically
   
3. Disapproving face or look
   
4. Brief statement about the behavior
   
5. Calm and serious voice
   
6. Disapproving gesture
   
7. Early use of mild social disapproval
   

C. Ignoring: Basic Considerations

1. Be consistent
   
2. When old annoying behaviors are first ignored they will get worse before they get better.
   
3. When new annoying behaviors are ignored they rarely get worse.
   
4. Other people in the house need to ignore the behaviors.
   
5. Behaviors that lead to personal or property damage should not be ignored.
   
6. Only ignore if you can stay calm and follow through.
   
7. Ignoring is important for the effective use of other methods.

D. Ignoring Works Best:

1. With annoying and persistent behaviors
   
2. With bad habits
   
3. With first time rule violations
   
4. When used with a lot of praise
   

E. How To Ignore:

1. Look away from child.
   
2. Move away from child.
   
3. Neutral facial expression.
   
4. Ignore child's verbalizations.
   
5. Ignore immediately.
   

HUMAN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

DISCIPLINE

Handout: WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU DISAPPROVE